Back to the land of togas and little to no showering. Gladiator is a 3 hour long adventure that basically gives you an impression of what Rome wasn't like. The movie starts with ugly barbarians being slaughtered by extremely unrealistic, technologically-advanced Romans.

"Welcome to my lair of man-love, my little gimp."

Anyway, then enters a paragon of virtue, our very own Commodus. After his dull-witted father (Marcus Aurelius) refuses him the key to the kingdom, he kills him and then orders for Gladiator (Maximus) and his family to be killed- all while his hot sister professes her undying loyalty to him. Gladiator escapes from his assassins with 1 scratch (it was about a 10 to 0 kill ratio; from the ever so technologically advanced Romans), he miraculously travels from Germany to Spain in about 1 day. His horse waits until the journey is over to roll over and die (wonder how he would have gotten there if it had died to begin with…). At the same time, we see horses trampling Gladiator's bratty kid and then Gladiator sees his wife and bratty kid burned, raped, disfigured and hung (I bet they never looked so good) as he collapses and later ends up in a circus.

Commodus makes his triumphant return to Rome (he is the new Caesar, all it took was a hug of death) and the people readily accept their new emperor- life is great! On the other side of the wretched world, Africa, Gladiator works his way through the Hobos, abused sex slaves, and fat mercenaries to become a local legend (his name was right up there with the 3 legged giraffe and some renowned prostitutes).

Then Gladiator goes to Rome and Commodus has 4 opportunities to kill him. Being the honorable man that he is, Commodus lets him live 4 times. He eventually catches his sister conspiring against him, sets a trap, kills all of the other gladiators, and imprisons Gladiator. He then forces his sister to become his new lover (all in one day, too).

Master Jenny McCarthy instructs young Commodus how to annoyingly stick out his tongue in the proper manner.

At the end, Gladiator cheats and somehow manages to kill Commodus. He dies soon afterwards, and Rome is taken over by barbarians. (Historians blame it on Attila the Hun, internal corruption, and the incompetent emperor Valentine; but we all know it only happened because Commodus died). All in all, a decent movie if I could have re-written the end.